Rach Goes 0808

I wrote one article.

Although this is the ONLY fifth article of Rach Goes series, I've already fallen into a slump and don't know how to come back into form. "What should I do?", I've asked myself the same question over and over again for about two weeks.

I don't have enough time to write English and feel a little tired both mentally and physically, since it's in the middle of summer vacation, which is the busiest season for mothers, you know.
But I don't think this is the immediate cause of my problem.
I don't know why, but I can't write an article in English as easily as before. I HAVE NO IDEA what I should write here.

Even if I start to write something in English, I can hardly complete one article. As a result, a lot of unfinished articles are scattered about on my PC, like dead bodies.

I often tried to make up "an article"(Rach fingers quote-mark gesture) out of a junk pile of alphabets.
Time just went by, but all my efforts were in vain. After doing it repeatedly, I started to be afraid of 'writing English' itself.
What if this feeling makes me allergic to writing English? What should I do if I come to hate English?
I couldn't believe I used the word 'hate', but my state of mind was that critical.
I was SCARED at English-related stuff. I'd never had this feeling toward English before, which made me more frightened.

After due consideration, a few days ago, I started to write one article, 'Rach Goes series is concluded', which obviously meant it would be the final article written in English on my blog.
I thought it was the best way to get rid of this worry or get away from suffering.
I finished the article with a lot of difficulty. (I don't want to say how many hours it takes to finish it.) I shut down my PC without rereading it that day.

The following day, I started to read the article. As I read, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. My decision that I would never write something in English again on my blog was shockingly and unexpectedly painful to me. It was like a girl saying, "I don't wanna break up with you because I still love you."
All of a sudden, I remembered how happy and satisfied I was when I posted an English article on my blog for the first time.
Those feelings have got me going until now. No matter how harsh my life is, I don't want to dump all of the sweet memories.

After all, I changed my mind at the 11th hour. In short, this is NOT the final article of Rach Goes series.
But this is definitely not a happy ending.
It's just that I had no guts to say good-bye to Rach Goes series. Maybe I am just an irresolute woman.

I am so sorry, my friends, for making you read this anguished and confused article.
I am not trying to invite a compliment or encouragement by whining about my English ability.
This is a sort of trial.
I anticipated that revealing emotions honestly and frankly would enable me to write something more easily.

I don't know if I did the right thing. I'm still groping blindly in the dark.
However I, one of the most optimistic people in the blogosphere, expect that something extraordinary will happen to me someday if I keep on writing English.
Wow, it is just like Rach to say such a happy-go-lucky thing in this gloomy article.

If I doubt, again, the effectiveness of writing Rach Goes series, I will fall an easy prey to the temptation to stop writing English.
It is so hard for me to keep writing English articles, knowing that the FINAL article is readily available on my PC.

Tomorrow, I'll get back to my usual self, 'carefree' Rach.
So please forgive me for saying something negative, only here, only now.

posted by Rach at 06:37| Comment(18) | Rach GOES | このブログの読者になる | 更新情報をチェックする
Rach goes series concluded 発表して、気が向いたら再開、Hello again っつーのもありかも。
Posted by まゆみ at 2006年08月08日 12:01
I have a great deal of empathy for the "Rach Goes 0808".
I've concerned about what I can write every day since I started writing my blog entries.
I really can realize what you feel, I think.

However, I feel strongly that you should be proud of yourself because you did write such an awesome article even though you said "I have no things to write".

I really wanna become like you! But the way I have to go is still long.
Posted by Nanazo at 2006年08月08日 12:32
I had spent a lot of energy on thinking, when I wrote my article in English. But It's easy for me to write down my daily life in my journal.

人に見せる記事を英語で書くということは、やはりとても大変な作業だと思います。私も今、Goseシリーズを書いていませんし、書ける日が来たらまた再開しようと考えていますよ^^ 英語も恋人も、時には熱く時には距離をおいて・・・この先も長く続くお付き合いですからね(笑)。
Posted by KIKKA at 2006年08月08日 20:49
If this was some sort of sarcastic joke, I'd just say, GOOD JOB, Rach, but ....... Just take it easy, Rach.

Technically speaking, I don't think this is so hard for you. Why don't you write something about grammar instead so that you can be more objective?

Considering the amount of influence, motivation and encouragement you have given to so many readers coming here by doing this, it would be too much of a loss. And don't forget that I love your English.
Posted by FDJ at 2006年08月08日 21:59
Dear Rach



Posted by YN at 2006年08月09日 01:17
ご心配をおかけしました? ごめんなさい。そしてありがとうございます。
・・・と、こんなことを書いているくらいだから、元気は元気なんですが、書いた通りのいわゆる slump なんだと思います。



結局は自分のブログなので自分の思う通りにすればいいんだけれど・・・やっぱりただの夏バテかなぁ? でも、本当にありがとう! 元気が出ました!!
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月09日 09:58
Dear Nanazo
Thank you for understanding my feelings. Your kind words have relieved me somewhat of my burden.

I always respect your attitude toward English. You keep a diary in English, literally EVERY DAY. How amazing!

Your blog have a variety of different topics. Every your article is so interesting and intriguing.
So you don't have to be modest about your English. I wish I could write English like you!
I hope you will maintain your fascinating blog as long as possible.
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月09日 10:07
Thank you for your thoughtful message.
I wish I could keep a journal of my experience in English like you, but, I don't know why, I can't get the habit of writing English anywhere but here. So I'm afraid that I won't be able to resume writing English if I stop writing this series...




Exactly! その通り! 今回はちょっと距離を置こうかと思ったんだけど、それが少し怖かったんです。彼氏と喧嘩しても、結局私から折れちゃう、というタイプなもので・・・(爆)。(←お、私、調子出てきた?)
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月09日 10:23
Dear FDJ
Did you look for the punch line to some joke? I wish I could say this was just a vicious joke.

I don't know why I can't write something about grammatical stuff in English although I can discuss the subject dealing with grammar that passionately in Japanese. I knew this article would sound so emotional to everyone, but I had no choice but to do this.

I'm not sure if this Rach Goes series means something to readers. But I can't deny that this series means everything to Rach. I feel so happy to know I can write this series pleasantly, and I feel so sad to know I can't write it like I imagine.

It was worth posting this article, because I was able to bring out the remark 'I love your English' from you. (This is not sarcasm. I'm indescribably glad you encouraged me tenderly.)
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月09日 11:04
Dear YN

しかし! 落ち着いて考えてみると、何も忙しいのは私だけじゃないですよね。お勤めの方は、この暑いのに会社に行くだけでも大変です。昔、会社員だった時には、最寄り駅まで自転車こいでる間に熱中症になりそうなほど暑かったのを覚えています。(帰りは涼しい夜風がとても心地よかったけど・・・) 私一人が「疲れた、疲れた」と言っている場合ではないな、と反省。


"I am not trying to invite a compliment or encouragement" などと自分で書いておきながら、こうして皆さんが励まして下さるのは、やはりとっても嬉しいです。本当にありがとうございました!

Posted by Rach at 2006年08月09日 11:10






Posted by みりぃ at 2006年08月09日 18:18
Dear Rach,
>I'm indescribably glad you encouraged me tenderly.

This must be the BEST remark I’ve ever heard from you! (I can’t help being sarcastic, can I?) BTW, while reading this piece, I was humming the theme song from Romeo and Juliet. Don't get me wrong, NON SONO ROMEO, though.
Posted by FDJ at 2006年08月09日 19:21

みりぃさんも、ご自身のブログで、「夏休みってどうしてこんなに落ち着かないのでしょうね(泣)」と書いておられましたよねぇ? あれを見て「そうそう!」と思っていたんですよ。みりぃさんのお言葉通り、「調子が狂いっぱなし」で、余計にイライラしちゃうんだろうなぁ、と思います。普段出来ていることが出来ないと、何だか精神的に焦ってしまうんでしょうね? 他の方のブログでも、「忙しい」「時間がない」「勉強がはかどらない」、ということがよく書いてあって、私もどこかでそれを言いたい!と思ってしまったのかも。(言わなくてもわかる!と思いながらも、言わずにはいられなかった、という感じ?)

「自分の英語力向上のために」書いているわけですが、「Rach が時間をかけて書いたんだろうから・・・」と思って、それを一生懸命読もうとして下さる web-friends たちがいる、ということが頭に浮かぶと、「スランプの状態で読みにくい文章を書いても、却って迷惑になるだけだ!」と思ってしまったんですよね。

みりぃさんも、英語日記を書いていらっしゃるんですか? 読んでみたいわぁ(笑)。英語を学習している方々はそうやって、自分から進んで積極的に英語と関わっておられるんですね、やっぱり。
私はどうして「こっそり」英語日記をつけられないんだろう? スランプの話と矛盾してしまいますが、「人が読んでくれると思うから、頑張って書ける」というところもあって、「でも変なものを書いて失望させたくない」というのもあるんです。「失望」というのは私の英語力うんぬんの話ではなくて、「時間をかけて読んだけど大したことなかった」という失望です。今回は、そのネガティブな方の考えが勝ってしまったんだろうと思います。



今はまず落ち着いてゆっくりしようと思っています。次の Rach Goes を書く頃になったら、またそわそわし出すと思うのですが、その時の気分と状況を考えて、無理をしない程度に頑張ろうと思っています。やっぱり自分の書く英語に自信がなかなか持てなくて、その言い訳として「私の精神状態はこんなんなんで、この辺で勘弁してください。」って一度どこかで言っておきたかったんだと思います。それでもみなさんこうやって、私を見捨てずに励まして下さって、勇気が出てきました。「今の私に書ける英語をみんなに見てもらえればそれでいい」という勇気かな。あまり格好つけずに、「いち英語学習者」としての英語を発表する場にしていきたいと思っています。

Posted by Rach at 2006年08月10日 11:13
Dear FDJ
The remark I mentioned above didn't mean that you'd never encouraged me so tenderly before.
Still, you don't like this 'mawkish' remark, do you? I thought this is the most touching phrase in the world, though.

BTW, were you humming "Love Theme" written by Nino Rota?
Let me ask you a question: "Wherefore art NOT thou Romeo?"(JKD)
Or, could it be that "Non sono Romeo, sono Juliet"?
(FYI: I have little knowledge of the Italian language.)

I'm getting back to normal enough to deal with your sarcastic comment, right?
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月10日 11:18
> unwritten articles are scattered ゙about゙ on my PC.
I've just realized this ABOUT. Sounds British to me, and kinda COOL!
Sorry, that I digged up again.
Posted by fdj at 2006年08月18日 18:40
Dear fdj
At first, I was about to write 'scattered around' instead of 'scattered about'.
When I looked up the word 'scatter' in my 'English-Japanese' dictionary, however, I happened to bump into the phrase 'scattered about on the floor'.
So I chose this phrase without careful consideration.
As you pointed out, some dictionaries say this 'about' is commonly used in British English.
I always learn a lot from you. Thanx.

BTW, given the fact that you found this COOL, I shouldn't have said the truth.
Maybe I'm too HONEST to pretend that I know what I am doing.
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月19日 07:56

Posted by agathe at 2006年08月21日 01:30
Thank you, agathe!
励ましの、そして、いたわりのメッセージをどうもありがとう! うーん、「熟成したワイン」って良い表現かも。「中年」と呼ばれるのはいやだけど、「熟女」と呼ばれるのは嬉しいもんねぇ?(笑)。


P.S. ハワイ旅行、楽しかったですか? 羨ましい!・・・とか羨ましがってないで、思い切って行ったらいいのにねぇ、本当に私ってば・・・こういうことにだけ妙に慎重な自分が、自分でもすごく不思議(笑)。
Posted by Rach at 2006年08月21日 10:19
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